Chandna Dave

Wanna know who I am? Here’s my life story.

Charu had two dads, and both loved her with all their hearts. But as destiny would have it, I lost both of them and my grandma by 1995. The pampered child that I was had to learn mental survival techniques quite early in life.

Another unfortunate incident occurred right after those devastating losses I experienced in my early life.

I was raped by a very close relative as a 6-year-old. My introduction to sex was way before I even knew the answer to “Mommy!!! where do babies come from?”

Phew! Took a break, cried my eyes out, and came back to writing this. Why am I writing this you ask?

Because all my life, I wanted my side of the story to be told as well. So here it is.

I hate pedophiles for ruining childhoods and innocence. They cause unnecessary physical and mental pain when the child realizes what has happened to him/her. 

Gulon mein rang bhare playing in the background.

The Shakti that I am was made to feel insecure in the company of the Shivas present in my life.

But there was a lesson the universe wanted my soul to learn. I am sure about it.

I became very strong in the company of my Mother and Bua (Paternal Aunt), the Divine Shaktis they are, very strong women and my life’s biggest building blocks.

The experiences I have had in my early life were sent to break me.

How to deal with the sadness you aren’t even aware of? How to stop missing someone who is never gonna come back? How to learn to read and write when all I wanted to do was sit in my father’s lap and practice art?

These questions would make me sad and angry. Not being able to express it all developed sheer confusion and frustration since childhood.

I am 34 years old now and I am still living a life worth living. You will come to know how. Let’s read on.

One day, my Grandpa saw me crying and said all his friends do Yog in a temple nearby. He asked me to join them.

“What is Yog?” I asked curiously while wiping those tears off of my cute baby eyes.

I am so glad I asked that question. Yog & Meditation, which was introduced to the 8 years old me, helped me find answers to all the questions I had – and i am ever gonna have – in life.

I was the prop for all the *Yog poses* my Guruji showcased to the sadhaks (practitioners). My Guruji was 80 years old. He was a Patanjali lineage Yog guru and everyone who attended the sessions was also of the same age group. His kind words and guidance helped me deal with my insecurities a lot. The Shivas around were making me feel safe again.

I was growing up fast and I was really flexible, the Chakra Meditations would take me to realms of magical energies and beautiful colors of soul visions.

Schools were tough as I wasn’t the studious kind. I was the infamous backbencher, barely-passing-exams-kind, wondering why Mother Nature is so beautiful and vibrant, while my teachers would teach us Algebra and what not!

After coming home, I’d paint my face in different colors using sketch pens. Mom would come home from school and rub and wash them while scolding.

I loved doing fashion shows as a child too I used to wrap sarees and would walk the ramp, throwing a full-fledged entertainment show for all the relatives and friends around. I am by default a happy human. No matter what happens, I always come back stronger and happier.

Years passed, my Guruji died and the Yog & Meditation stopped. The school became tougher. I couldn’t concentrate for more than 10 minutes, and couldn’t remember the answers to questions even after mugging for hours.

And this is how I arrived in the second decade of my life.

Cleared the 12th standard and my grandpa died. As a teenager, I kept thinking why did all the bad things happen to me? After a while, I joined engineering college after clearing AIEEE (entrance examination).

In 2005, I left home for the first time. Bhopal (a city in India) was all new and I was introduced to my wings. The Shivas around were making me feel new things.

I flunked 2 years and started experiencing depression. Love and sex felt good finally. My boyfriend then slapped me once and started abusing me due to his insecurities I couldn’t stand up for myself at that time as Bollywood and my social conditioning told me that toxic love is the only true love.

My second breakup happened. I started cutting my wrists and one fine day met an old family friend whose family was supposed to be my local guardian. He showed me the temporary ways of getting out of my cutting addiction. I started boozing, smoking up, and smoking cigarettes (smoking one while writing this).

Right now, I am wondering who will read it, assuring myself that there are people who will understand me, that there are people who will accept me with all my flaws and imperfections.

I am leaving my digital footprints through live videos on my YouTube channel, Facebook, Instagram, and this website in hopes to find my soul family. With your kind words and actions Do let me know if you are one among them, okay?

I used to sit on the college roof and smoke up. The weed would take me to the forgotten realms of my meditations. I would just sit alone for hours looking at the clouds and wondering what I am doing in life.

Who am I? Why is this happening? The questions changed and the way I got my answers, changed as well.

I found friends who became family and friends who became strangers and I finally cleared engineering in 2011.

I am fast-forwarding the stories as I need some more time and space to go into detail, which I don’t have here. Later on, I will be writing pieces of elaborated incidents in my blog which made me who I am NOW.

I got placed in Wipro, an IT consultancy firm, and relocated to Delhi for work.

The fast metropolitan life and financial freedom (I was earning money for the first time) gave me a whole new level of confidence. I was respected amongst family, friends, and relatives for earning my life’s first check of Rs 10,000 (approx $150).

I was finding out how badass I am. And I was able to buy whatever I wanted for myself and for Bua and Mom. I was able to spoil my friends as well. Going home for Navratri and Diwali was a proud feeling.  The night shifts were crazy tough, though.

And one fine day, I ran away from the job as my college best friend confessed his love for me, and proposed to me for marriage on phone. He was in Mumbai. I packed a tiny bag of clothes and took all the money I had to never come back.

I am a twin flame and I am driven by love. Stayed in a live-in in Mumbai for 4 years and I saw how richness feels. Ego played its tricks with my mind as well.

The cute kid I once was became the corporate lady and a lover and a perfect daughter.

 The breakup happened after 4 years of me struggling to survive the tough life of Mumbai.

And then, I left Mumbai, forever. 

I left the job and changed the city again to realize that all the respect I used to get at home was gone.

Gosh, I am back again to write after one more crying break, I gotta start my 6 months detox again.

Life’s experiences can make or break you surely and whatever happens in your life is happening to teach you the lessons your soul wants to learn in this lifetime.

As a soul, we ask for these experiences even before being born because we want to attain Moksh and never come back to this Cycle of Maya. I know it on the soul level but as a human, I tend to forget it at times.

So I decided to start working again in Delhi and this time the job was tougher and the salary was Rs 80,000 (approx $1,000) but I couldn’t feel content, apart from the long weekends when I would go on my solo trips to snow-clad mountains or calm beaches.

After changing 12 jobs, my calling to become a nomad Yogini, a Gypsy, and a Raahi (traveler) grew stronger. Simultaneously, I was being initiated into Tantra as well. I completed my 500 hours of TTC from Dharamshala.

I exhausted all my savings only to come back to the corporate world. I am someone who loves to dance to the invisible musical tunes of the Universe but clubbing after the office was my only way to dance.

I was disheartened, angry, confused, and in physical pain.

After reaching Ratlam, I was in the darkest phase of my life. I was mad at myself for letting the world hurt me over and over again. Nevertheless, I started healing again, my art came back. I stayed home for months. Ate once in 24 hours for months, cried continuously, and keep asking, “Why me?”

The questions became really tough and there was no one to answer as my soul stopped talking to me. My memories were fading and all I could do was – stay alive.

I remember every time I tried meditating, I’d feel numb all over my left lobe and the wound would pain so much. I was just irritated and feared for my life. Doing a little bit of physical activity would make me faint. The lower vibrations surrounded me but with my art and meditation and the love of my Bua and Mother, I rose back from the ashes, just like a phoenix.

When I healed physically, I went to Pushkar for celebrating Holi (festival of colors) where my phone and purse got stolen. At last, I came back home.

My pain body kept getting stronger and I was convinced that nothing good will ever happen to me. All my insecurities came back, my demons grew huge. My hunger was gone.

I knew deep within that life is supposed to feel good; it’s supposed to be fun. But in reality, life is….what it is.

I left home again for finding a job and met an English guy instead. I thought my manifestation finally became reality. We met in Pune and went on a backpacking trip together for 3 months to 20 cities in South India.

The mental stimulations due to those never-ending conversations and sexual experiences expanded my being a lot. But I was attached to him and when he left, my pain body appeared again. 

I came back home and realized how wrong I was according to my family and society for choosing my happiness over their rules and regulations. My Bua who loved me the most stopped talking to me. However, we managed to mend our relationship as we both loved each other a lot.

But she died two months later. The year 2019 took everything away from me.

It’s been 4 years since she left me alone forever and I still dream about her daily. This was the last nail in the coffin.

I would cry for hours and not knowing what I am going to do in life now. The most important family member who was my biggest support system was gone forever.

I left Dubai and came back home, alone, to a house that once used to feel complete and lively with 8 people. I kept crying loudly and shouting in the home all alone for days as it felt ghosted at night.

One day after my birthday, I wiped my tears, shaved my head, and rose back stronger this time.

By now, I knew that my life’s journey isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. I am capable of facing each and every challenge life puts on my path, my journey is tougher because my calling is higher.

I started teaching guided meditation and aerial Yog in Goa to foreigners and attended my life’s first Tantra retreat in Rishikesh, which helped me understand and respect my bodily desires, sexuality, and the magic my Chakras hold.

I felt a rush of body positivity. As I accepted myself completely and became aware of my breath, my soul started talking to me.

In March 2020, the whole world came to a standstill. The government imposed a lockdown and I was in Rishikesh, trying to save myself from COVID-19 and save all the money left with me. I was cooking food for the sadhus and beggars of Rishikesh. For five months, I survived without any money, and finally, when the railway services were restored, I came back home to my mother in July.

I was trying to make money from Tango and guided meditations. Meanwhile, I participated in 24-hour meditation with people all around the globe for the betterment of humankind.

By my birthday, everything got fine. I went to Manali and celebrated my birthday and the New Year with the snowflakes all around. Meeting Anna was beautiful as well. Went to Dharamshala, and practiced Yog with the sadhaks. I also attended the Rishikesh music festival.

By this time, I started making wall arts. I started hosting women’s circles on full moons and new moons. At one point, I was busking with street artists to raise funds for underprivileged kids of AMKM.  Went to Auraiya, taught people Yog, self-defense, meditation, and art, and did full moon women’s circle with the Shaktis of the village.

Finally, Shakti Rising started.

Came back home, and started doing Yog and meditation with my mother for her wellness.

Six months passed. As my mother left home for Dubai, I went to Jammu.

From there, I embarked on a scenic journey to Ladakh. Living in a Ladakhi village showed me how amazing apple and apricot trees are. My breakfast, lunch, and dinner comprised of juicy fruits, plucked by hand from the trees.

Went to Leh, and got an offer to make one of my most elaborate wall arts. From here, I got another offer to make one more wall art for a four-star hotel.

My wall arts are a combination of ancient symbols and the designs my soul wants to put out on the wall. They are mindfully meditative. Anyone can feel the magic if they spend some time near the walls I have painted so far.

In -10°C temperature with snow all around, I’d spent whole nights up on the roof with Mother Nature and my colors.

The road trip to Nubra valley showed me how tiny I’m in front of those mighty mountain ranges. While talking to colorful mountains, I felt ecstatic joy as well as extreme sadness. I learned to walk on the bridge between the visible and the invisible.

My four-month Ladakh trip ended.

While on a trip to Kashmir, living with the locals, I realized how suppressed the Divine feminine was there. And Shaivism needs to come back to its glory again.

Being a tourist made me feel like I was tagged available for sexual favors. The only place where I could meditate was the Shankaracharya temple. Forceful sexual encounters made me leave Kashmir with a sad heart, to never come back.

I hosted my life’s first Tantra workshop with him and together we grew stronger enough to face every challenge. The six months I spent with him have been a roller coaster ride of emotions. We found our goofy jokes which made us laugh.

We kept meeting in Rishikesh, Jaipur, Mathura, and Dehradun and explored each other emotionally, sexually, and spiritually. I was the happiest when he was around. My twin flame made it all look so easy and effortless. All my dreams and hopes came back and the expansion I experienced with him was out of this world. I’m sure he was my soul mate.

But as changes are inevitable, we grew distant. I discovered my darkest demons and my pain body resurfaced. And now I am meditating a lot to understand a way out. But as I have lived a life full of sorrows and joys, I am aware that amidst all this sorrow, I will find my way back to happiness again.

I’m still going through tough times of separation as I write this. The questions this time have much more meaning and depth. And I’m hopeful that someday I’ll have answers.

Life has taught me well enough and I am prepared. As a life coach, through my counseling, I can help you how to face challenges and move ahead and how to get back up after falling 100 times. I am someone who never gave up, and who’s never gonna give up on myself this time as well.

Currently, I am teaching Yog and guided meditations and Tantra for a living, to find answers to the questions our souls present to us, for mental peace, holistic health, and wellbeing. I hope you would like to experience the magical beauty of life with me someday.